Blog ��.docx

Blog 비교.docx

What does it mean…?

I’m so lost.

Yes, graduate school has been really tough but, I’ve done it, I made it happen and it’s just a joy to read and write on those itchy questions of long years. Have I ever thought of having this feeling while being an expat back then? No, only some sort of achievement to show off, perhaps. Will I ever have another chance to go through other ways of speaking and learn/argue my thoughts again? Perhaps. Then when will it be? The answer must be “any time” = now.

Next stop: Francophone or China

때로는 근질거렸던 것을 박박 긁어주는 이야기를 그 자리에서 흡수해서, 그것이 마치 내 생각인 양, 그리고 그것이 내 생각이 되어서 다시 글로 써진다.

지난 칠 년동안 옹알이가 제법 어른의 말이 되어버려, 그 이전 태어나서 이십 이 년동안 쓴 말을 대신하려 한다. 부단 말 뿐이랴. 생각과 행동과 사람들도 대부분 바뀌어 버린걸까.

멀리서 동경했던 것을 얻었을 때 비로소 내가 처음 시작했던 곳에 대해 더 배우게 되었고, 그래서 다시 내 고향이 가까워졌다가 다시 멀어졌다.

지나가는 새 소리에 흠칫하는 잎새가 쉴새 없는 빗방울에 적셔진 것일까.

초록비가 붉은 비로 바뀌었을 때, 붉은 색을 띤 잎새는 다시 파란 비를 생각한다.

파란 비가 오면 다시 노란 비를 갈망할까.

칠 년간의 긴 꿈에서 깬 줄 알았는데,

구 개월동안 더 꿈을 꾸고 있다.

Are you alriiiight?

That, yea, how odd, that’s what I thought. I thought, for awhile, the reason why people asked that was ’cause I actually looked not “alright”. Then, after finding out the use of the phrase, recently, I’ve figured that it is quite concise and useful in a way that it allows shorter way to answer my status than having “hi” then asking “how are you doing?”.

So, it goes like,

“Are you right?”, “Oh, no. Quite sick lately.” -> TADA! or…

“Hi!”, “Hey!”, “What’s up.”, “Nothing much… just been sick lately.” -> LONGER!

Oh, my God, James, it’s quite convenient! James: yea, straight to the point.

그 모습이 잠 못 들도록 가슴 깊이 아름다운 이유는 이것이 잊혀져가기 때문이며

돌아가지 않기로 다짐했기 때문이며

돌아갈 수 없기 때문이며.

잊혀져가는 그 모든 경험들에게 고맙고

그래서 새로 채워지는 것들을

숙연히 받아들일 수 있길 빌며,

이 고삐풀린 망아지를 가라고 보내주신 부모님과

소소한 잔소리며 힘든 시간을 나에게 준

여지껏 만난 모든 이들에게 감사하며

미성숙한 한 사람을 사랑하고 아껴준 그들에게 이 아련한 아름다움을 돌려주며,

돌아갈 수 없는 것을 알기 때문에 더 아름다워 가슴 아린 이 자정은

이 한 생명이 1/3을 살아온 날이 두 달 남은 날이고,

또 다른 큰 변화를 꿈꿔 본 날이고,

이 여린 한 존재를 어여삐 여긴 날이었다.

While the wall is open to all my contacts unless I make a complicated set-up, messages come in handy when it comes to shush- shush- wink- wink- matters. And I’ve just got a message from ‘a friend of my FB persona’, which I also know him in real life but haven’t had a chance to make efforts to transport the space in-between as ‘friendship’. I got to know him through this group of hang-out buddies in my dorm, ones who like some drinks, dance and cool parties, and I am aware that he spent quite of time with many of others than myself. Then, this message comes through, only sent to six people. I know four of them and three out of those four get together very often. One of them is from the same country (culture/language matter). I guess at this point what I’m trying to figure out, as well as why I’m writing this, is what kind of circle I’ve stepped into or am invited. An idea of a quick ‘sexy night’ at a cool local bar/book cafe is something I also would like to know and hang around but I really haven’t get to know him ’til now, no conversations but just “hi!”s and “See ya!”s.

More interesting part of this is some people I thought he was quite close to are not included. He maybe simply don’t have many ‘friends’ or recently switched his friendship path? I don’t know. Not my business. But definitely interesting to see who’s included and who’s not.

Their argument is first of all LA has such good weather all year around and I would’ve had more chance of life in the US than where I am, whichever that is, either being in the UK or jumping into studying development, or perhaps the uncertainty of the future after the school and most likely countries I would end up living in.

Then, I pull out a wild card, “you know, two things pushed me off of that country, health care system and public transportation”, which is enough for another 15 min. of conversation.

But, the thing is… does it really matter? I do miss that weather, that atmosphere, access to those famous places and the scenery… I wonder if that would still matter after how many years from now but what I’ve figured is the great image of the city was not my picture. My picture was to pretend that was my face. At the end of the day, I head back to a $600/m apartment and my small paycheck. I am sure it is not much different story in most of the places in the world.

But what I realized is when one place isn’t at my value and I feel I am forced to adjust into it, I have to make sure there’s a chance to switch to other ways of living. I think that’s what I have done through those both times of moving into different countries.

So, while I am still lost in somewhere in this planet and it is at times fearful feeling (especially when being sick), I’m getting more used to being ‘free’ than being ‘comfortable’. Perhaps I’ve seen much of ‘comfortable faces being not attractive and versatile or haven’t met the ultimate comfortability of mine. Or maybe I’m not ready to negotiate just yet.